Well, I might
just as well come right out and say it . . . I am never going to be canonized a
saint! The reason I am so sure is not
what you may think. Of course, there are
the reasons that pop right into mind, such as my professional standing as a
sinner (well, there are a few commandments that I've managed not to completely
disregard in my lifetime!) Fact is, the
reason is much more subtle.
The realization
came on me slowly at first. I was
reading a book, "Modern Day Saints" by Ann Ball. It is a delightful book that contains not
only the story of the lives of saints, but actual photographs of them as
well. Then I discovered laminated holy
cards for my two-year-old to look at and chew on without ruining. After that, my older kids brought home some
different information on saints and holy people (also with pictures). I started noticing something. One and all, each of those saints depicted,
male or female, young or old, martyred, dead of natural causes or illness, it
didn't matter...they were all photogenic!
I mean they looked fabulous!
Smiling serenely, gently posed, caught in attitudes of prayer or
meditation, reflecting thoughtfully upon a book or crucifix or simply gazing at
a sight too ethereal to be caught by camera.
What with all the
fancy new options available for cameras - instant pictures, red-eye reduction,
auto focus, auto flash, etc., it makes me wonder why there isn't some sort of
warning system for misguided males who are about to take a picture of a woman
that would have been mentioned in the Bible as justification for violating the
fifth commandment! They could call it
the auto-NOT feature! I know that I
would run right out now and buy that camera no matter what the cost! Because this is what is going to prevent my
ever being included in a collected book of saints (well, this and that
aforementioned sin thing). I am sure it
would send the Pope and most of the Cardinals in Rome, a slew of televangelists
and most of the Bible Belt straight to an early meeting with their savior if
they were to have to go through the available snapshots of me. Right now that would include a most
remarkable selection of photos of my backside.
Truthfully, it is not because I have such a magnificent rear-view that my
camera-nut-of-the-moment cannot help himself either. No, actually it is because the man has a
truly bizarre sense of humor (and, if you ask me, an ill-concealed death
wish!).
In each case, I
am bending over, presenting a most unlovely view if myself which he has zoomed
in on (he keeps insisting that he used a wide-angle setting!), creating a
distorted image and causing him to be beside himself with hilarity. His favorite consists of a close-up of me
backing out of the doghouse (don't ask).
I am wearing a pair of stretch pants that are white with a metallic
sheen that had a wondrously reflective quality (PLEASE don't ask!). The flash bounced off my posterior creating
an incredibly accurate simulation of the aurora borealis - up close! Imagine THAT on a holy card!
To be fair, he
has also taken a good many portrait shots of me during this time as well. Unfortunately, he read somewhere once that
"natural" is better than "posed" for portraits. He interpreted this to mean "catch your
subjects by surprise". So most of
those shots show me in the middle of saying, "Huh?" and staring at
the camera in confusion.
Yes, he has a
favorite among these as well. On that
occasion, I was sitting at the dining room table working. The kids had come and gone at various
intervals, leaving behind the remnants of their snacks. I had just absentmindedly popped a cheese
ball, maybe two (or was it three?), into my mouth. He strolled around the corner and yelled,
"Zen!" I whipped up my head,
causing my reading glasses to slip to the end of my nose and in an unbelievable
incidence of bad timing, the combs holding my hair in a knot on top of my head
popped out, resulting in my having a large, messy wad of hair ooze down over
one ear and . . . CLICK . . . it was all over.
The picture is,
indeed, a classic. I am sitting there in
a spectacularly lavish state of disarray.
My cheeks puffy with food, nose wrinkled in the effort to catch my
glasses, hair disheveled, mouth agape, paper askew, an expression of startled
confusion on my face . . . surrounded by plates, bread crusts, chips, cookies,
crumbs, empty packages, pop cans, glasses, bits of popcorn, cheese curls and
candy.
He thinks I
should use it on the dust jacket of my first book.
I'm afraid
they'll use it on my "WANTED" poster!
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